challenge.

I have no blogged in quite a while. My thoughts have been so jumbled. Challenged. That's the best word to describe the past four or so months of my life. I've never struggled much with my faith before. Believing and knowing have always come easy to me. I had strong, deep, Godly people guiding me through highschool. The first few years of college, I set my foot in a vast group of girls seeking the Lord and friendship. This semester I was without both. I switched churches as well. I work in the nursery. I am in love with toddlers. They brighten my spirit daily. But toddlers don't deepen my understanding of scripture. They definately deepen my understanding of the love, grace and patience of the Lord, but apparently that'ts not what my soul is longing to know more of. For months I had no clue what I was even searching for. I struggled long and hard with this. I felt so uneasy, almost depressed. Nothing within me was content. I kept praying for answers. I read my bible, I worshiped, fellowshiped, nothing. I just felt empty and couldn't even pin-point the issue or the struggle. Then one day last week, the Lord helped me figure out atleast what my struggle really is. It an incredible weight lifeted off of me, atleast knowing what my challenge is, what I'm fighting for. This is what I have come up with to what I am facing:
1. Trying to figure out who God is deeper than what I've been taught. Deeper than surface reading and even deeper than theological talks. I need to know who God is and what that means exactly for my life and my future.
2. Who I am as a woman. Fear snuck in on me recently. I used to be so open, and something happened that closed me in one day. Fearful is not a characteristic I desire. Because of this fear, I began comparing myself to other girls and women. "If I could only be more like her.." My good friend Jessie said something that has helped bring me out of this aweful view of my life. She reminded me that we CAN'T be like other women, because we aren't created to be what they are. We are created to be our own selves, with our own tallents. I just have to figure out exactly who that is.
3. Simply growing up. It's a scary thing. I'm not good with change, nor decision making.

With all this said, I'm not saying any of this is bad. This is such a great time in my life. To be challenged. I've come to terms with the fact that this one isn't going to be given to me. God is making me search and fight.