Silly

I am a silly girl who finds worth in sill things.

Merry Christmas.

challenge.

I have no blogged in quite a while. My thoughts have been so jumbled. Challenged. That's the best word to describe the past four or so months of my life. I've never struggled much with my faith before. Believing and knowing have always come easy to me. I had strong, deep, Godly people guiding me through highschool. The first few years of college, I set my foot in a vast group of girls seeking the Lord and friendship. This semester I was without both. I switched churches as well. I work in the nursery. I am in love with toddlers. They brighten my spirit daily. But toddlers don't deepen my understanding of scripture. They definately deepen my understanding of the love, grace and patience of the Lord, but apparently that'ts not what my soul is longing to know more of. For months I had no clue what I was even searching for. I struggled long and hard with this. I felt so uneasy, almost depressed. Nothing within me was content. I kept praying for answers. I read my bible, I worshiped, fellowshiped, nothing. I just felt empty and couldn't even pin-point the issue or the struggle. Then one day last week, the Lord helped me figure out atleast what my struggle really is. It an incredible weight lifeted off of me, atleast knowing what my challenge is, what I'm fighting for. This is what I have come up with to what I am facing:
1. Trying to figure out who God is deeper than what I've been taught. Deeper than surface reading and even deeper than theological talks. I need to know who God is and what that means exactly for my life and my future.
2. Who I am as a woman. Fear snuck in on me recently. I used to be so open, and something happened that closed me in one day. Fearful is not a characteristic I desire. Because of this fear, I began comparing myself to other girls and women. "If I could only be more like her.." My good friend Jessie said something that has helped bring me out of this aweful view of my life. She reminded me that we CAN'T be like other women, because we aren't created to be what they are. We are created to be our own selves, with our own tallents. I just have to figure out exactly who that is.
3. Simply growing up. It's a scary thing. I'm not good with change, nor decision making.

With all this said, I'm not saying any of this is bad. This is such a great time in my life. To be challenged. I've come to terms with the fact that this one isn't going to be given to me. God is making me search and fight.

Matt Chandler

Video from Matt

This video is encouraging. Matt Chandler is a Godly, well spoken man. I've listen to his podcasts occasionally, have heard him speak at a conference, and hear so many people discussing his thoughts, and quoting his sermans. As explained in the video, they found a brain tumor last week. He went into surgery Friday. As of now, all is going well with his recovery. There are over 36,000 people in the "Praying for Matt Chandler" facebook group. The Lord is using him for sure. It's been an encouragement to me along with so many others to see his faith through this whole ordeal.

"O Lord, what is man that you care for him, the son of man that you think of him? Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow." Psalm 144:3-4

sickly rest

Last night I broke out with this mysterious fever. Previously that evening, I had been playing raquetball, eating Spoons Frozen Yogurt, complaining about my old lady hip to my roommates, then plopping in the floor in the halloway between their doors to discuss New Moon. I had been feeling kind of weird, headache, a little achy, but I had reason in my head to why that might be, like seasonal changes always mess with my allergies, and then I just played raquetball, duh I'd be sore! But I took my temperature before I got in the shower last night. I take my temperature often. I'm a halfway hypochondriac. Macie laughed at me when I explained my temperature taking obsession to her, ha! But anyways, my temperature was 100.1. Strange. So, I go to bed. The chills hit, so I turned on my electric blanket. I love electric blankets by the way. I wake up around 1:30 a.m. to find my shirt soaked in sweat and my temperature risen to 101.5. At this point I finaly make myself get up to take some ibuprofiin. Much better. I make an appointment to the health center on campus, and go to sleep. I wake up with no fever, but feel extremely fatiqued, sore throat and head ache. At the health center, Beutel, they test me for strep. Doctors ALWAYS test me for strep, it never fails. I told them that I'm always tested and never have it, but the doctor insisted on the test. I of course did not have strep. The diagnosis was "viral". Those viruses are so tricky. No meds, just rest. So I did exactly that. Came home, got into bed, and slept. As inconvienent being sick is, for I have to miss work, and 3 classes, I think God let me have this for a reason. To rest. I have been so busy, running around, doing everything I can, studying, lunch/dinner with friends, time with Mason, paper writing, bible studies, ect... I've been on this constant go, I havent had time to just rest. Rest in the Lord. I am still fatigued and weak, but my heart and mind have rested.

Texas Tech Tshirt

I am an Aggie, no ifs-ands-or-buts about it.
BUT..
I have this OLD Texas Tech shirt that I sleep in reguarly. I got this shirt when I was 5 or 6 from on of my mom's friend's daughter for Christmas one year. She went to Tech, obviously, and like most college kids who need an easy gift, a T-shirt with your school logo is always a good option. Come to think of it, this shirt is a size large, meaning she probably got it for free. An adult large is never actually meant for a small child to wear.

This shirt has mega holes in it. I've worn it for over 15 years to sleep in. It's been through a lot. But I still am extremely comfortable in this shirt and will keep it until it litterally falls apart and becomes unwearable.

some days

Some days, I feel free as a bird. Ready to fly into whatever the world has for me.
Other days, I feel trapped and ready to quit. Can't break free of this lonely, hurtful, scary box.
Some days, I feel so blessed with such wonderful friendships and love.
Other days, I feel as if there is no one around for miles who would even care to hear my name.
Some days, I want to learn and live.
Other days, I want to sleep in. Or better yet, just run away from everything. Just go, elope. Move to California.
Inconsitant.

Does it ever change?

This is how I feel today.

Sunset

I found this picture early and thought it was absolutely beautiful. Its a good representation of my day so far.

Haircut!

• I cut Mason's hair yesterday.

Mind you, I the only thing I have ever done involving hair and scisors is when I cut my hair in the 2nd grade.I had never been so nervous to mess something up in my life. But it was a decent success!

Empty dreams

Superchick still remains in my heart as the all time "feel better after a rough day" music.

 I've been struggling alot with my place in life. I feel sort of like a nomad, wandering around without much of a goal in mind. One of my professors asked us the other day to write down a list of our major life goals and keep them. She said she did this during her undergrad. She explained how she has found that writing goals and dreams down has always helped motivate her to actually go after those dreams. So I sat there for about 5 minutes with nothing on my paper. I want to graduate. I want to get help people. I want to eventaully get married. I want to grow in the Lord, fall deeper in love with Jesus, and be obedient in his dreams for me. But as for tangible things, I feel like my goals are pretty shallow. I'm trying to understand it. Most people have a list of goals, and I really don't. Maybe the Lord created this within me to keep my focus on Him. Maybe he knows that if I set out on a big dream, it may become a god in my life.

Mason bought me a pink nalgene today. I love it.

"Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth." John 17:17.

Humanity and weather

Humanity is an ironic thing. When in danger, we instinctively act in a way to protect ourselves and those we love. But when the threat of danger has passed, compassion takes over. It is a hard struggle. Now, I understand this is not the case in all circumstances, or for all people. I have though heard a few stories on this topic lately. The same pattern occurs in them all. Hurt, action to stop the hurt, compassion. This is just an observation of mine.

On a lighter side of things, weather has been crazy. It was hot, then cool, then hot again. I usually like to think the warm weather is the way to go, but after I experienced 70 degree weather for 3 days, I'm a fan of the cold front.

I am now capable of saving many lives. Within the past week I have become CPR and SIDS certified. Parents-you can now trust me with your children.

October is coming.

Changes.

Changes I need to make:

1. Spend as much time as possible with my friends.
2. Don't waste time, use it.
3. Exercise often.
4. Eat more vegetables.
5. Eat more fruit.
6. Drink less caffiene, more water.
7. Make the most of every oppertunity.
8. Attempt to not completely stress out over school and money.
9. Be myself. No matter what.

*This list may change at any point.

I have been told, more than once, that my blogs are a bit depressing. This may be another depression, or, a celebration.

This summer has been long. It has been short as well. I wasted time. I sat around, studied, watched a few movies, read a book, spent time with friends, went on vacation to Mexico, took a few tests, went to Galveston once. This is typical. There wasn't much adventure, but it wasn't horrible either. It was over all 'pleasant'. However, I didn't grow. I became oh-so complacent with my life. I let the Lord come in second, or third, or even forth place. I put on the face of righteousness. It was a good act, an act that I honestly started believing myself. The lyrics from "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road can pretty much sum up my attitude. They go as follows:

I made You promises a thousand times

I tried to hear from Heaven

But I talked the whole time

I think I made You too small

I never feared You at all

If You touched my face would I know You?

Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean?

Are You fire? Are You fury?

Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

What do I know? What do I know of Holy?'

I guess I thought that I had figured You out

I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about

How You were mighty to save

Those were only empty words on a page

Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be

The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

The bolded lyrics at the end of this peice is what broke my heart. I did know all the strories and knew how to talk about how Mighty God is. But man! "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."(Psalm 73:25-26) The psalmist knew of Holy. "I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High." (Psalm 9:1-2).

I don't really have a good closing for this post. This is just my heart. The end.

weddings, music, and whoops.

I have a new obsession with photography. I have no knowledge in the art, but when someone can capture emotion in people, it really amazes me. A few minutes ago, I was wasting time, avoiding studying for A&P, and went to the Seize the Day, by Agung Fauzi, website and began to watch some slide shows from recent weddings. I clicked on the first couple's engagement pictures first. I see one picture that resembles a "whoop" pose, but I was unsure. I then watched the slide show photographs from the actual wedding. The pictures were beautiful, the bride, the flowers, it was all beautiful, and in the background of the slide show was the song 'Mighty is the Power of the Cross" by Chris Tomlin. That was the song this couple chose to capture their wedding day. I began to tear up a little as I was encouraged by these people who I had never even seen before. As I continue viewing, shiny gold rings keep appearing. Sure enough, they were Aggie Rings! And to join the rings, came pictures of the wedding guests and party lined up singing the War Hymn. I felt instantly connected to these people. They are inspiring, just based on wedding photography, their faith, and their Aggie Spirit.

Mighty is the power of the cross. WHOOP!

http://www.agungfauzi.com/jennifer_andrew_wed/index.html (this is that page)

Convenience: the friendship killer

I am a junior in college, and at 20 years old, I feel exactly the same bit of lonesome-ness I experienced as a freshman, just entering into this world that came to be mine 2 years ago. I have found that friendships come and go, and no one ever seems to be more concerned about "you" than they are "me". I am guilty of it, but I want to be free of the selfish ambitions that make college students "independent". Sure, I enjoy the occasional me-time to breath, think, plan, talk to God, etc..., but it would be so wonderful to share all of those experiences with a woman who shared hers with me as well. Convenience is a tornado that is killing the best relationships, friendships. It's really never convenient to spend quality time with people, but it's worth it. I need to do a better job.

O finals.
How I loathe thee.


Ah, 25 hours til Spring '09 becomes Summer '09. Please come faster!

The Ways of the Lord are Right

"The Lord said to me, 'Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes." Hosea 3:1

I have loved the sacred raisin cakes. I have loved them more than my God. I have loved pleasure more than righteousness and wanted to satisfy my desires myself. I have sinned, over and over, knowing the end result of pain and frustration, shame and embarrassment.

"When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son. But the more I called Israel, the further they went from me. They sacrificed to the Baals and they burned incense to images. It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them. I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them." Hosea 11:1-4

I have fallen and disappointed. I have disappointed so many. Yet He still calls me.

"They will follow the Lord; he will roar like a lion. When he roars, his children will come trembling from the west. They will come trembling like birds from Egypt, like doves from Assyria. I will settle them in their homes,'declares the Lord." Hosea 11:11

"Forgive all our sins and receive us graciously, that we may offer the fruit of our lips."...."I will heal their waywardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them."

Hosea

Created with perfection.
-----
Lost.
-----
Taken in, loved.
----
Forgot.
----
Chased after, forgiven, embraced.
----
Fallen.
----
Picked up.
----
Ran.
----
Watched.
----
Redeemed.

Read Hosea.

Mexico

It's been 2 weeks since I have been back from Ciudad Victoria, Mexico. I miss it. I miss the simplicity in living, the simplicity in worship, the simplicity of pride and the greatness of God that was so evident during worship every night. The worship was in Spanish and English, and though I have experienced this kind of worship several times, it never seizes to bring an overwhelming sense of how great God is. "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:30. It's hard to deny God's perfection when worshiping side by side with people who speak a different language. It's such a sweet sound.

No guilt in life

"No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand"


YEAH!
The Lord is good and He is so faithful.
I'm just going to live in that.

Go and sin no more.

Shame.
I am shameful in all I am.
Nakedness and sin, destroying the God I hold true.
Selfish.
I am selfish in all I do.
Lust and greed, the path of righteousness only holds few.
Wicked.
I am wicked in all my plans.
Lies and deciept, pretending I have it all figured out.

Truth.
"Neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin."-Jesus says this in John 8.
The woman was an adultress, caught in the act.
She was taken, in all of her nakedness and sin in front of a crowd of people, and Jesus.
Embarrassed and ashamed.
I know that shame.
But Jesus took the woman and told her that he has not condemned her.
Freedom. Freedom from her shame. Freedom from her sin.
Grace.
I am writing to be honest. If I hide this, I am only lying to you, whoever you may be reading this.
I have messed up.
I have let my selfishness take my purity. Not just once.
But the God who I sinned against has not condemned me, but set me free. Go and sin no more.

Awkward.

I am apparently described as just that.

Amaturish, artless, blundering, graceless.
Incompetent, inept, rude, stiff, unfit.
Unskilled and uncordinated.

Strangely enough, I feel just like that.


"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleating; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

....

Today, I miss you.

Today, I miss you.

Your comfort, acceptance.

Your intimacy, your love.

Your friendship and compassion.

Your support, your understanding.

Your hugs, embrace.

Today, I miss you.

I'm a little homesick today. I miss home and all that it includes. Family, love, friendships, Mason. I miss it all today.

debating memorization

The start of this semester was also the start of my ability to remain tired regardless of the amount of sleep and rest. It was the start of endless amounts of homework and miserably missing a boy. It was the start of a new bible study to teach, new job, new feel. I havent had much time to just sit and think on my own. I am constantly being fed what to think, what to know, what to memorize and what to dream. I would love to simply pick up a book and read for my own pleasure. For character building, for meaning. But I am stuck reading about chemical compounds in biological substances, essays that other people have written that I do not understand and information about health that is halfway common knowledge. I am choosing to study this, therefore, maybe it is my choice to read this material. Either way, I am still not thinking thoughts of my own.

Mason has decided to challenge me in this lately. We had never once argued(more so debated) any subject until it was brought up that I actually enjoy that. So they begin. I can defend what I believe. I enjoy it. He usually has a way to change my thoughts a little, but it is nice to be challenged on information that I think on my own, not information that I am supposed to simply memorize and correctly fill in the bubble on the dredded test day. It is nice to take a stand and be passionate about something, even if I am just making something up to prove him wrong. It is a break from the books and an entrance into the heart of what matters.

The Weight of it All.

For the past week I have been halfway dieting, halfway obsessing, halfway eating well, halfway working out, halfway doing it all. I've never really been a girl who worried about her weight. I've dieted a few times, but never something I put much thought in. I am about 5 feet 6 inches. Right now, I weight 143. Thats what the scale said tonight. I successfully put on 10 pounds over the Christmas break. I've always just ate what I wanted, until the day come when the scale made it clear that eating what I want and having little physical activity is going to put me down a road that I do not want to be on. I am realizing that by living with that habbit of selfish eating and laziness, I am by no means honoring my body, which is dishonoring my Creator as well. I want to live a life holy and pleasing to Him, and that includes what I eat and what I do with my body. So with this said, I have set some goals for myself:

• Eat healthy. This does not include chips, maccaroni and cheese and nothing else for dinner, cupcakes, ect.
• Exercise for atleast 3o min a day. Cardio and weights and abs. It's all important.
• Drink more water than diet coke. Lots and lots of water.
• Be self-disciplined. Just say no. It's tempting, but YOU can do it!

Focused Motivation

I wonder why it is so hard to focus on the things that are important in life. I am sitting here attempting to read from my biology textbook. It is heavy. It encases about 1300 pages, all printed on that glossy sort of paper. The light reflects off the white page. It is bright, causing my eyes to strain as I read, making it so much easier to just open this computer and start focusing on things more entertaining, like my blog, or facebook, or Target. I want motivation. I NEED me some motivation. Biology isn't the only thing that I am having a problem focusing on today. The Word of God. Why is it so hard to be motivated to spend time with God? It really makes no sense other than the fact that I am a wicked girl who likes things my own way. I need a change of heart. I need motivation. yep.

Simply Rejoice.

Thursday: leave home, come back to school.
Friday: leave my home at school, go to Conroe.
Friday night: Disciple Now.
Saturday: Disciple Now.
Sunday: leave Conroe, head back to school.
Sunday night: first day of work.
Monday: rest
Tuesday: classes begin.

The past few days have been incredible. I had to opportunity to teach 11th grade girls at a Disciple Now with a girl who has an amazing passion for the Lord. I was humbled so much through this weekend. But now it is back to textbooks, exams, lectures and way too little sleep. I am retaking two classes, which is hard for me to be OK with. Rejoice in the Lord always, right? That's my goal for this semester. Simply rejoice.

My God is SO Big, SO Strong and SO Mighty

Today has been an interesting day. I have been uplifted and broken, excited and saddened, exhaulted and then knocked down. I am not clean nor pure. I am not holy or righteous or even good. I am disgusting. I am broken. I am evil at heart. But I have a God who was and is and will always be perfection. He is the God who has fixed me and cleansed me. He has said that he loves me and that I am his. He created me for himself. Not for a boy, not for a job or a degree, but for his glory and majesty.

I find myself worrying alot. I fear failure. I fear dissapointment. I fear heartbreak. Yet, God says to fear Him. I'm learning that fearing God isn't to be scared of His wrath, but to know that what he commands is truth and disobedience is something that should be feared, for if it is the opposite of truth, it must be false. Francis Chan in Crazy Love talks about worry as saying that our circumstances are more important than God. It makes sense. I'm letting go of me today. Anything I can claim to my name is being let go. I don't want my grades, my time, my boyfriend, my friends, my family, my stuff, to be more important than the God who saved my soul and guides me in His perfect truth.